I was watching this video today. I have watched it a few times on Youtube and it always brings a smile to my face and makes me laugh hysterically. Why? I think because it is a shared experience with so many of us. I know how I felt the first time I went into a Starbucks. I stood dumbfounded, just peering at the menu. I had and still have no idea what most of the items mean. It is particularly very difficult to decide on something that I don't have any idea about and can't pronounce. I think that you have finally arrived at Starbucks when you have one of those Gold Cards. That Gold Card means that you can speak and read Starbuck at an intermediate high. Basically you can function pretty well without having people roll their eyes, fold their arms or let out a huge sigh. Those people who engage in coffee shop bullying are tremendously impatient and need two or more shots of caffeine to get them through. They have returned for their fix and are experiencing the shakes and numbness to their extremities. You could possibly say that the Gold Card people are professional coffee and caffeine addicts. Betty Ford doesn't have enough room for them. I have not ascended to their prominence yet because I have failed the language and time test. Firstly, I cannot pronounce the sized drinks correctly due to a constant Starbucks tick that I have acquired. I keep mixing Starbucks with Spanish. Spanish to Starbucks. It's horrible! That is a serious no-no. The other very egregious error, that blows my chances and sinks my status, to the ever putrid Novice High, is the fact that I can only truthfully order 2 drink items, from the menu.Sometimes I can confidently and without reserve, order the Mocha and Iced Green Tea. What slows down my roll is the sizes.The idiotic sizing! What horror! Because I cannot stand the pressure of ordering in front, and having those demanding delinquents wait impatiently behind me, I have developed a stutter and a lisp.Go figure! My palms sweat, my heart races and my I can't seem to utter a word. "Ummm...uhhhhh I'll have a Mocha," is what painfully and regretfully emanates from my dry mouth and parched lips. There it is.For all the world to hear. I finally get it out but then the agent of torture asks, "What size ma'am?" "What size? Really? Oh, no..." I pause and then "veinte" comes out, as more of a gurgle than some semi confident inflection in my voice. I know the person behind me is laughing in a valley girl type of way. "OMG, I can't believe it! How old is she anyhow? Any day now chica. Okay!" I hear her say. The Jack Bauerlike cashier then writes a secret code on the veinte sized container which says, " MOCHA-Maureen!" "Oh, no! Now they know who I am!" I panic and break out in hives! The paranoia takes over, as I smell the toxic fumes of a frappacino and hear the sounds of scorched milk! I hear the faint voice of "Calgon take me away!" as I try to cope with this tenuous situation. Breathing slowly and deeply, a lesson I learned many years ago, serve to calm me down. My mom's voice echos in my memories, as she says, "You can do this Maureen!" Two interminable minutes later, my name, is mispronounced, as it is blurted out and the Mocha is mine to savor. All mine! Can you believe that? All that stupid stress for a cup of Joe, a rather fancy and expensive cup of Joe.
I have learned that there are other things you never, under any circumstances, are supposed to do in Starbucks. Don't ask questions. I found that out the hard way. You can't do it. Nope. I'm a tellin' ya DON"T EVEN... I asked if they had decaffeinated Green Tea one time. (All this due to my Novice High status. Remember I've not made it even close to Gold yet.) The young girl looked as if I had dropped her iPhone in some blond roast coffee whipped in half n half."What?" She asked in an entirely incredulous kind of way. It was as if I had questioned her womanhood. "What? You dare tread in my world? Really? Now, off with your head!"she seemed to mutter under her coffee- laden breath, with a hint of Bergamo. Then, with a glaring smile, she asked, "Mocha?" "Sure." I said and the hives returned in earnest. No, you really can't ask questions at Starbucks. You have to be cognizant of the atmosphere and come ready for battle: customer know thy order before thou wilt order--est. Rule of thumb, ask someone else before you enter. Ask a friend or go get a Youtube tutorial. Hey better yet see if John Scherer has a Starbucks professor DVD for you. But whatever you do, never ever, let a question slip out of your mouth!
I still can't figure out why Starbucks has to use such close pronunciations with Spanish for the beverage size. Now really, how can tall can be small and grande medium? Who knows where they got venti. Is that Italian or close to it? I also order a Mocha size veinte. Sorry, it sounds like twenty in Spanish. So to me it's veinte. Now they have this iced green tea, which I am very fond of, for now. The biggest size isn't veinte but treinta. I am not sure if I am mispronouncing this too. I could be. I wouldn't put it past me. So, for me, it's the Spanish numeration- twenty and thirty. I wonder when cuarenta is going to rear it's ugly head. Maybe it will be cuarenti or something similar.
I have to say, without reserve, that I love my Mocha veinte! The only reason I ordered it was because one of my co-workers told me she was going to get a Mocha for lunch. She asked me if I wanted one. So, since she was going to bring it back and I didn't have to step inside that foreign country, I took the chance and paid her. One taste and I was hooked. Plus I could actually pronounce Mocha. Mocha sounds so full of chocolate and truffles with a whip of smooth. I am proud about the fact that I can actually say Mocha correctly. I attribute that to my niece. She has a cute little black chihuahua named Mocha. I uttered his name like a thousand times, when he was a cute and adorable little puppy.
Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks! It takes a certain breed to frequent that establishment with a cool and calm demeanor. I am slowly but surely learning the lingo with some sort of fluency. Not fast enough, really, for the Valley Girl, but making progress nonetheless.I still will need many sessions in therapy to deal with the stress and drama it causes me. I believe that it will take many Mochas and Green Iced Teas before I can move on to the Machiattos and Frappacinos. I may one day even go blond! But for now it's Mocha veinte for me. Just plain and simple M-o-c-h-a veinte.
I have learned that there are other things you never, under any circumstances, are supposed to do in Starbucks. Don't ask questions. I found that out the hard way. You can't do it. Nope. I'm a tellin' ya DON"T EVEN... I asked if they had decaffeinated Green Tea one time. (All this due to my Novice High status. Remember I've not made it even close to Gold yet.) The young girl looked as if I had dropped her iPhone in some blond roast coffee whipped in half n half."What?" She asked in an entirely incredulous kind of way. It was as if I had questioned her womanhood. "What? You dare tread in my world? Really? Now, off with your head!"she seemed to mutter under her coffee- laden breath, with a hint of Bergamo. Then, with a glaring smile, she asked, "Mocha?" "Sure." I said and the hives returned in earnest. No, you really can't ask questions at Starbucks. You have to be cognizant of the atmosphere and come ready for battle: customer know thy order before thou wilt order--est. Rule of thumb, ask someone else before you enter. Ask a friend or go get a Youtube tutorial. Hey better yet see if John Scherer has a Starbucks professor DVD for you. But whatever you do, never ever, let a question slip out of your mouth!
I still can't figure out why Starbucks has to use such close pronunciations with Spanish for the beverage size. Now really, how can tall can be small and grande medium? Who knows where they got venti. Is that Italian or close to it? I also order a Mocha size veinte. Sorry, it sounds like twenty in Spanish. So to me it's veinte. Now they have this iced green tea, which I am very fond of, for now. The biggest size isn't veinte but treinta. I am not sure if I am mispronouncing this too. I could be. I wouldn't put it past me. So, for me, it's the Spanish numeration- twenty and thirty. I wonder when cuarenta is going to rear it's ugly head. Maybe it will be cuarenti or something similar.
I have to say, without reserve, that I love my Mocha veinte! The only reason I ordered it was because one of my co-workers told me she was going to get a Mocha for lunch. She asked me if I wanted one. So, since she was going to bring it back and I didn't have to step inside that foreign country, I took the chance and paid her. One taste and I was hooked. Plus I could actually pronounce Mocha. Mocha sounds so full of chocolate and truffles with a whip of smooth. I am proud about the fact that I can actually say Mocha correctly. I attribute that to my niece. She has a cute little black chihuahua named Mocha. I uttered his name like a thousand times, when he was a cute and adorable little puppy.
Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks! It takes a certain breed to frequent that establishment with a cool and calm demeanor. I am slowly but surely learning the lingo with some sort of fluency. Not fast enough, really, for the Valley Girl, but making progress nonetheless.I still will need many sessions in therapy to deal with the stress and drama it causes me. I believe that it will take many Mochas and Green Iced Teas before I can move on to the Machiattos and Frappacinos. I may one day even go blond! But for now it's Mocha veinte for me. Just plain and simple M-o-c-h-a veinte.
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